Storm of Emotion

Just in case you didn't receive our email I wanted to let you know after great consideration and lots of prayers, we have decided to stop the adoption process. I can tell you even though we feel this is the right thing for us it is definitely one of the most painful decisions we have ever made. We just know we cant keep riding this train of emotions anymore. We will concentrate on taking care of each other and healing our grief. Any and all prayers are appreciated.

There are so many things I wish I had never done like buying her name sign. Oh my how I love that sign. For those of you who don't know her name was going to be Layla Grace... I wish I hadn't finished her room. Although, it is so beautiful and sweet. I went in and sat in her chair and held Lilly and cried for a while yesterday. So many times in the past I sat there holding Lilly with a smile. Telling her when the "real baby" comes she wont be able to fit on my lap too. I have to call BabiesRus and see if they will take back some of the furniture, all the stuff I bought, and cancel my baby registry.

I am not sure if I will be on line for a while I know right now I am pretty raw and trying not to limit what I will and will not do for now. I do know God will get us through this and as always I praise Him in this storm... Keep lifting us up though...

NOOOO!!!!!!

Okay so I am at my breaking point again... I just came downstairs to find the brand new approved Home Studies that just arrived last night shredded in pieces on the floor. An unbelievable pain shot through my heart then throat as I cried out NOOOOOO!!!! Bruiser and Lilly instantly shot out of the room. I don't think Lilly has ever heard my voice go that high or loud. I know they can be replaced but I don't want to replace them. I want it done, I want it done. I want in done... I don't want to wait one more day!!!

Lord, Please Please Please, show me you in this because I cant take it anymore.

Hurry up and Wait

So, I thought we were finished with all the paperwork and such. I was wrong!!! They did finish our Family Profile and it looks great. I put my whole heart in it and I actually cried while reading it and want to have a baby to allow us to adopt.

Anyway, American Adoptions has been waiting on some paperwork from our Home Study Social Worker and I don't think the communication between the two has been all that stellar. So once again when we thought we were nearing the end and nope its hurry up and wait... UUUUGGGGHHH...

Then to top it off I got my hair colored and it is horrible, seriously, horrible... On a happy note, I remembered I had some brownies and that made me smile...

Pet Rules

So I got this email and laughed and laughed and if you have animals you will totally relate. Just thought I would share it...

PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.!

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. To you, it's an animal.To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Happy Easter

Hope you all had a blessed Easter...

We spent the day with the most beautiful baby in the world... Oh my it was so special holding her in my arms watching her eat and sleep. Her mom (Kila) is so easy going and let me hold her for hours. Poor Tim is still afraid of her he had the stiff arm so she started crying. He quickly handed her back to me. It did my heart good that she instantly calmed... Mamaw has the magic touch... She is a true testimony to pure love. I just look at her and and love her with all of my heart.

Choice

I promise, this is going to be a little different then my last post... Sooooo sorry for the doldrums and negativity...
I know not everything in this life is going to be easy but it is my choice how I will handle every situation. I choose to be happy and focus on all the amazing gifts and people who love me. Life is an amazing gift in itself and I am not promised tomorrow. Please remind me of this if I start having a pity party again...

Sorry in advance

You know its funny, I consider myself to be an upbeat, giving, positive, God loving/fearing person. I have the love of a wonderful husband, great dogs, (even Bruiser) wonderful home. Life is beautiful... Lately, I just feel sad and alone. I almost feel abandoned. Now I'm sure there are some major factors in this feeling. One being the fact that my mother died unexpectedly less then a year ago. Two having this roller coaster of emotions over this adoption. Third having allot of family problems. I want to run away. I just want some peace back in my life. I think that is a major part of wanting to pull out of the adoption. If we pull out, then its over, I don't have to think about it everyday. I'm sorry for being a downer, just really felt the need to express myself. Although it doesnt sound like it, I totally trust in God and know that He will get me through this. I will continue to praise Him in this storm. I know when we come out of this I will have a great testimony.


I am thinking about making this blog private. Not sure yet but let me know if you would like an invite just in case...

The Circle of life

Oh my goodness, I just realized I haven't mentioned to those of you who aren't related that "our" son and his girlfriend were pregnant... they had their baby girl on Monday March 10th. It feels so odd to be in our 30's looking to become parents and now we are grandparents. Yes, Tim was a baby himself when Steven was born. The baby Zani Nicole is amazing, beautiful, perfect, and oh so sweet. She weighs 6 lbs 13 oz and is 19 3/4 long... Now we are trying to come up with the perfect grandparent names... Neither one of us like grandma or grandpa.

We have been assigned our Adoptive Family Specialist and had a conference call with her yesterday. It went well. The home study revision is finished. Our social worker sent the draft out on Monday. The Family profile should be finished next week and then we are good to go, just write a check and we will be active...

I forgot to tell you that we went to see Rent last Friday. The singers were amazing, there was not one pitch problem, flat note, no one was out of key, It was awesome... We didn't really know the premise of the show. Just a warning if you are homophobic its not the show for you. I wish it were here longer, I would go see it over and over again... Loved it...

National Womens Day

So yesterday was International Women's Day.. It is celebrated all over the world, especially in Kazakhstan. Why don't we celebrate it here in the good ole USA??? I believe women are amazing creatures and should be celebrated daily. I am so blessed to be one...

I spent my day yesterday with some amazing women, whom I celebrate. I went shopping with Aunt Eddna-Wynne, Cousin Michelle, her beautiful little girl Leah, Cousin Kim with her precious baby girl and my goddaughter Kayla. What a blessing it was watching ultra feminine Leah try on Easter dresses, oh how sweet. Even more so seeing her fawn over Baby Kayla. They got matching dresses and are going to be ADORABLE... Thanks Auntie Edd for inviting me along, I really enjoyed my time. Oh, by the way Tim, I bought a new purse... tee hee hee...

So, I am sure you are all wondering where we are in our decision making. I first have to again thank you all who have reached out with your emails and comments. I am blessed to have a group of friends and family who share themselves so freely. We are still praying and seeking God for His wisdom. We have come to realize there are two completely different ways you can look at having a child and we have really only been concentrating on the negatives. As we have changed our mindset towards the amazing blessings our children will bring us we certainly are more inclined towards moving forward with our adoption.

On another note can I ask for your prayers for my dad's (step father-in-law) family. His brother Richard passed away last week after a very quick bought of Leukemia. I just ask that you pray for his children, his wife Rose, and loved ones for peace and healing... I love you Dad ...

What are we doing...

Okay so this is going to seem random but its not... Tim and I are really struggling with some decisions . Here is the story. I will try to make it brief. When we got married, we decided to leave it up to God when we would have children. Turns out we struggled with infertility and so we tried many things for a few years to conceive but to no avail. Then decided okay we are done no babies... (more Tim then I) so to my surprise years later in December 06 Tim said he wanted to adopt. As you all know we started and have been in the process for over a year and as of today as soon as our program director calls me back we will be withdrawing from Kazakhstan.

We really live a great life. We are financially secure, madly in love, have so much freedom to do whatever we want or as little as we want. I can sleep all day, shower when I want, shop when I want, anything I want. We honestly aren't missing a thing. We now are starting to think what are we doing. We should stop the whole adoption thing and live our life just as it is. I talked to a wonderful friend and she said this was normal. We realize we cant go back once they are here... Are we crazy, should we stop, should we go forward... I really don't know... Lord, I just pray for Your clarity... Please keep this/us in your prayers and any advice you want to send I gladly welcome it...

P.S. on a totally different note I wanted to pat myself on the back and say as of last month it has been 5 years since quitting smoking... I have NO desire to ever start again.. Woo Hoo