BooBoo

Oh my poor baby... Last night Tim showed me that he had an ulcer in his mouth. He hasn't had one since his college days. He gets them when he is stressed. My poor big daddy, don't you worry I will be just fine and so will you. This trip to Florida is just the medicine you need... Now please go rinse with salt water...
Lord, I pray for your healing hands to come down and touch Tim's boo boo. Please take away all his pain and give him Your peace... We are safe in Your hands and we are blessed that You are holding us close right now. Thank You Father...

Getting Away!!!

Woo Hoo...We are going to Tampa Florida for two weeks. We leave this Saturday May 3rd and come back on the 17th. I really want to get away. One, it coincides with Mothers day... ... Mothers day has always been that day where I feel like being left alone to eat ice cream, Reese's cups, and nap all day long. Knowing if I don't want to I don't have to laugh, smile, or put on a fake happy face this year is a relief. This year is the first one since loosing my mother and the first one where I know I will never be a mother, its a reminder of what I have given up. So, I think it will be a good day to be lounging in the pool relaxing and a great day for Tim to give me a really great gift... Tee Hee Hee... He is amazing, he always gives me a great gift and an even better card. Last year he gave me a beautiful card from our baby to be and a gorgeous diamond mother and child necklace. Don't worry, I am actually laughing at this right now. He also bought me a Gucci diaper bag that I forgot about until just now. oh my... I will be putting that up on ebay when I get home. I think I will hold on to the necklace for a while. It really was and is special to me.

The bad thing is Suz and Matt will not be in town. I told Suz last year that we would look them up next time we came down. The great part is they are in Kazakhstan getting their little girl and boy. I know they aren't reading our blog right now I just hope they feel that I am thinking of them and praying for them always...

So, this week I will be having fun packing and stuff... I am one of those annoying over organized sort of person that is ready days in advance... I could be ready tomorrow.

I haven't told the dogs yet, they and I will be very sad to leave each other. I am looking into bringing Lilly with us. I really don't want to leave her, she is a momma's girl all the way...

Baby Bunny

I had an interesting incident happen yesterday. While working in the yard I was interrupted by the dogs going wild in the trees chasing something down. To my horror, out comes my sweet little Lilly with a baby bunny in her mouth. I yelled for her to drop it and low and behold she did. The bunny went running but of course the dogs instincts kicked in and they chased it into a literal corner. I yelled at the dogs to stay back and told the bunny that I would protect her. Everything was fine until Bruiser wanted a closer look. Lilly said uh uh big boy, that bunny is mine. So, instinct kicked in again, we all chased each other one of us screaming like a wild banshee... ... A short while later, I finally got the dogs away and started sweet talking the bunny. I tried to coax it under the fence but it just wouldn't move. I told her, listen I am not going to hurt you but I have to pick you up to save you, so please don't bite me. I reached down and put this shaking soft sweet little animal in my hands and to my amazement she didn't bite me, she actually relaxed. It was such a precious moment. She wouldn't leave when I put her through a hole under the fence, I had to give her a nudge. I was in awe at how trusting that little bunny was. I wanted to keep it :)

I thank you all for your emails and comments of support. Things are rough right now but like you all said time will heal this too... I need to give myself permission to go with what I am feeling instead of trying to be upbeat and put on a brave face when I am not feeling it. Or not doing what someone else wants or thinks I should do. Its time for me to look out for me right now.

Sad

This was a rough couple of days. I woke up at 3:00 A.M crying my eyes out missing my dog Cymba who died almost three years ago. Poor Tim, I woke him up crying telling him I missed Cymba,and proceeded to ball my eyes out. He of course thought I was insane. Now that we are awake we both feel I wasn't crying over Cymba that it was pure mourning for the baby.

I have a confession to make, I am sad allot lately. I am either keeping myself busy to the point of exhaustion or sleeping my days away. I am not sleeping at night at all. I toss and turn all night long. I don't think I have ever really been sad like this and I don't know what to do. I actually thought of smoking today!!! I haven't thought of smoking in 5 years. It isn't going to happen but I actually thought it would feel really good to blow out some smoke...

I am ready to pack up and run away... ... ... Please Keep us in your prayers.

Friendship

I have a friend who has already adopted from Kazakhstan and is now adopting here in the states. They finished all their paperwork this month and found out this week that they have been matched and selected by a birthmom. Wow that was fast. They will be adopting two babies, one that is already born and one that is due this summer. Boy are they going to have their hands full, 3 babies all in diapers... woo hoo... I am very excited for them, they are great parents now and will really shine through with two more. Yet, I must be honest, I am slightly jealous as well. Not the deep seeded self indulgent kind. The oh it would have been nice if it were me kind.

I got off track there, my thoughts here are about friendship. What is the definition of friendship? I have this one friend who I talk to and see sporadically. Yet, I consider her my best friend. I know that she loves me and she knows I love her. When we talk its like we never missed a beat. Then there is the friend who is adopting, she has been a great support through this adoption process. I have never met her, yet I feel such a connection. Is it because we have gone through some of the same struggles? Is it because she never fails to connect with me and let me know she is there? I have family members that haven't said a word of support or otherwise about us stopping the adoption, Heck, I have family who don't remember what my blog address is... ( I have family that have been very supportive as well) Its amazing that perfect strangers have reached out to me with love and kindness. I have learned through this that it doesn't take too much to be a good friend. Really just reaching out letting someone know they are not alone and that they are being thought of. You don't have to be related or even have met, just reach out, because in the end we all want to know we are loved... ...

Progressing?

Just wanted to share some pictures of the nursery...Click on the last picture and you will see her name sign that I just adore.

So everything is mixed these days. Most days I feel at peace with our decision but the days I don't really blow.... The good thing is having the knowledge that we can change our minds. It might be we just need a break. Although not likely, it keeps me sane knowing that is an option. I also wanted to share pictures of the Nursery... I hope I haven't posted any in the past. I just love this room.

For the time being I am keeping my days filled to the brim. I am scrapbooking, which I really enjoy although I may get a little crazy in the process making sure every page is close to perfection. One page takes me a minimum of an hour. The other day, one page took over two hours. Let me tell you it looks beautiful though... toot toot... (I am sure you guessed, that was me tooting my own horn)

I have deep cleaned the house, doing closets. drawers, and under sinks and such. I still have some cupboards to do. The house looks great though.

I have started working outside this weekend and will be working on that for a while. My poor arms are all scratched up and I am praying there is no dreaded poison ivy...Lastly, there is the dreaded garage. It is a mess so that should keep my hands full for a while once I have finished the yard.

A Calmed Storm

Its a new day and I thank those who have supported and sent your love to us. A very special thank you to Aunt Eddna-Wynn for the beautiful card she sent us. She sent us a musical card with Praise you in this storm by the Casting Crowns. This is one of my favorite songs. A song I clung to during this whole adoption roller coaster.

I am happy to tell you all that we are really doing great. I had some rough days there though. It seems so odd that something that hurts so badly can still be the right thing for us. However, through the pain I never once thought we should progress forward. Instead, it was just the opposite we really felt a sense of relief. I know there are going to be some rough spots in the future but in my heart know that we are going to be great...

A few blogs ago I wrote that we would have a testimony at the end of this and I now think we will have more than one. I do have a testimony already... As you all know I have been forthright with my emotions, this adoption has been a storm of emotions the good, bad, and the ugly. Through it all I prayed to and praised God for being with me through this.I relied on Him allot. I am telling you He held me up so many days especially these last two weeks. I have so much peace in my heart right now and I owe it all to God. I have felt His presence the entire time. He has calmed this storm... I praise Him and thank Him always...

Pictures of Zani

Steven (daddy) and Tim (pop pop) and sweet baby Zani...

Pop Pop holding Zani today

She is tuckered out from all the kisses she got today.

Here is Zani on Easter Sunday at the end of a long day...

Dont you just love her....

she's the cutest little Easter Bunny...

The face of an angel...